‘Eldest Daughter Syndrome’ Is Trending—Here’s What It Means

As an eldest daughter who is the mom of an eldest daughter, I have a lot of experience with, well, eldest daughters. That’s why when I came across a term trending on social media calling out so-called “eldest daughter syndrome,” my proverbial ears perked up. 

Not familiar? "‘Eldest daughter syndrome’ is a term used to describe the emotional weight that eldest daughters often carry in their families," says Sanam Hafeez, PsyD, a New York City-based neuropsychologist and director of Comprehensive Consultation Psychological Services (CCPS). "Many eldest daughters find themselves looking after younger siblings, helping with chores, and even taking care of sick family members from a young age.” 

It's not a new term. “The syndrome is a widely recognized phenomenon, especially among eldest daughters who often find themselves grappling with the impact it has on their identity and relationships within the family,” Dr. Hafeez adds.

Eldest daughters have proved that this birth order stereotype exists by sharing their experiences on TikTok. “I’m the eldest daughter, of course I co-raised my siblings but my parents don’t recognize it,” says an adult older sibling in a TikTok video. "I’m the oldest daughter, of course I’m type-A perfectionist with a 5 a.m. morning routine.” 

In another TikTok video, a much younger eldest daughter says, “I’m a big sister, of course my mom is always asking me to bring diapers and wipes.”

But a recent study published in the journal Psychoneuroendocrinology went beyond anecdotal evidence and looked at a link between stress during pregnancy, and the early maturation of first-born daughters.

We’re not talking about girls getting their periods early. In this first-of-its kind study, researchers observed that first-born daughters specifically—not first-born sons or daughters who were not first-born—may be affected by prenatal stress in a very specific way.

Eldest daughters developed early and had ample maturation that ultimately helped with child-rearing. Importantly, this fascinating instance of fetal programming revealed itself before a first-born daughter was biologically able to have her own children.

Molly M. Fox, PhD, corresponding study author from the Department of Anthropology at the University of California, Los Angeles, points to the standard across the world and throughout history for eldest daughters to lend a helping hand in the family. 

While it may be “normal” family structure in various cultures, my biggest question as the mom of an eldest daughter was whether there are any negative consequences that may come along with it. “It’s not really a good thing or bad thing inherently to mature earlier or later,” says Dr. Fox. “It’s a trade-off—girls who go through adrenal puberty on the earlier side probably get extra training in adult skills such as caring for babies.”

Dr. Fox says that what the study ultimately demonstrates is it “could be a functional adaptation in that it’s helpful to your mom to have you, as the eldest daughter, helping out more if your mom is in stressful circumstances."

Overall, adds Dr. Fox, "it’s not that accelerating your maturation is bad, but the conditions that caused your mom to be so stressed are probably bad, and this is how evolution tailors you and your mother’s responses to be optimal in bad conditions.”

Looking back at my own first pregnancy, I’m sure I’m not alone in characterizing it as stressful due to the simple fact that I had no idea what I was getting myself into! I also have to wonder if many people expecting girls feel stressed if they have a partner who isn’t as excited about not getting that long-dreamed-about son (luckily my husband grew up in a house of boys and always dreamed about having a girl).

‘Eldest Daughter Syndrome’ Warning Signs

Back to the question of whether “eldest daughter syndrome” carries too big a burden, Dr. Hafeez notes some girls in this position may develop “feelings of being overwhelmed, constantly responsible for others, and struggling to advocate for their own needs.” 

Warning signs to look out for that the burden is too much for an eldest daughter include:

• Lack of personal time due to family responsibilities
• Sacrificing personal development, such as education or social opportunities
• Struggling to set boundaries
• Reluctance to express needs

‘Eldest Daughter Syndrome’ Benefits

There are positives to consider as well, such as eldest daughters being in a position to develop strong leadership and organizational skills, as well as good task and priority management. In that previously mentioned TikTok video of the young girl, she mentions that her mom calls her strong-willed, which research shows comes with a bunch of positives.

Indeed, I feel strongly that my birth order and gender is a blessing and helped make me who I am today: type-A, controlling, and schedule-obsessed. Oh, and a caring nurturer who took to motherhood very easily.

Meanwhile, in our family now, my three oldest kids of five are girls—and they are all natural caregivers. I see maternal tendencies in all of our daughters, and there’s no doubt that they are extremely mature and responsible—unless you count constantly sneaking candy from the pantry.

As Dr. Hafeez concludes, “Birth order can influence personality traits, but it is not a deterministic factor, and individual differences play a significant role.”